So my little brother got married last week, and despite my total and overwhelming love for him and for my new sister-in-law, (and the fact that I was an awesome bridesmaid IMHO) there are moments when I was less then appreciative of the institution of marriage.
I loved their wedding. I loved the seven course Italian meal with scallops and steak (sorry vegetarians, that’s how I roll). And I loved dancing with my cousins to Michael Jackson. There is something about dancing with family members that is much much more fun then dancing at a club or a party. I think it’s because you’ve known then since you were two so they’ve already seen you do the “you put your right foot in…” dance, and they’ve already seen your awesome Milli-Vanilli lip sync routine for camp, so nothing you could possibly do dance-wise is going to embarass them anymore, it’s like free to be you and me with a DJ.
I digress, post wedding blitz I was feeling if not pro, then a little less anti-marriage, when I stumbled on this comment in the Globe and Mail this morning: Looking For Mr. Good Enough
Such is the new thinking from the front lines of modern dating. Forget about finding Mr. Right. You should settle for Mr. Good Enough. Heck, go for Mr. Just Okay. Don’t expect a head-spinning courtship. You should not even want love. In fact, you’d be wise to borrow a few pointers from arranged marriages.
It seems that getting married is hipper than skinny jeans these days, and maybe since matrimony is such a hot commodity, hooking up “for ever and ever” takes precedence over actually loving your partner?
It makes me shudder. The article actually recommends making a list. Like: must wear matching socks EVERY DAY; Must not sing songs by top-forty artists while cutting nails onto living room carpet; Must take pleasure in weekly trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond to stare at the remainders shelves; Etc.
This is not to diss anyone who has enjoyed or is planning to enjoy an arranged marriage. I am just pointing out that over the past few years there has been this tendency in the media towards making girls feel like they have to get married or else their entire life will be crap. It’s as if my Jewish bubi has been sending the media on-message memos. (“CBC: you know what to do now, that feature on early onset infertility. Do it before Passover so I can ask my grandaughter when she comes for Seder if she’s been thinking about her dry womb.)
The marriage focus is extra weird given that there were several decades (think the 1970’s) where the institution of marriage as a whole(not just from the ladies’ POV) was critiqued. I mean, heck, I live in Quebec - the province with the highest rate of shack-ups (fine, fine, common law relationships) in the nation. The reason for this? A concerted effort to destabilize the power of the Catholic church in the 1960’s. So why is marriage suddenly de rigeur again?? My poor single head is reeling from all the advice I’ve been getting since about 2004.
Not to mention the whole marriage is a straight institution dealio, I mean either be equal opportunity and target everyone, or just give-up already. Because as a woman of marriageable age I am beginning to get offended that I am clearly the picky, choosy, mean as hell, too quick to say ‘no’ obstacle to a happy marriage. Were I otherwise, I might feel bad that the whole marriage-marketing scheme wasn’t directed at me, and then (horror of horrors) I’d get married out of spite.
So what does anyone else think? Is love a game with strategy, or is it a series of happy accidents that sometimes ends with a ring?
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six comments
some people might say "love is a battlefield".
but yeah, i had a lot of these thoughts last summer when my sister was getting married. oh heteronormativity.
but at least thanks to KY we know what we can give the happy couple (but only if they're a boy & a girl).
Posted by fireeyedgirl
June 5, 2008, 11:46 AM
Marriage should only be about love and the desire to share life - and share a bank account, etc. The articles you mention are gross, and I can't imagine why there is such a concerted effort to make women feel like failures if they choose not to marry. Me, I'm married - and it still hasn't saved me from my Nana's 'dry womb' comments. But I'm thankful that I waited (and waited) until meeting my husband and developing our relationship.
Even weirder - we try to force people into marriage that don't want it, while denying it to others who do. Ditto that for kids. What's wrong with people?
Posted by habladora
June 5, 2008, 4:17 PM
As you probably suspect, the truth is, it's both. I have brand-new, kick-ass marriage that took a blend of happy accidents, strategy, and many years to create. It will take another blend of happy accidents and strategy to maintain. It's just like any other good relationship (or good thing full stop) in your life: You have to work at it. And if you are lucky (read: enough happy accidents fall into place) you will have lots of motivation to do the work when you need to.
Aw shucks, eh?
Posted by Erin
June 6, 2008, 7:06 AM
Habladora makes really excellent points, and ones that all of these articles seem to miss: you don't have to get married at all if it's not something you want to do.
We're still at a point as a society where we expect women to validate themselves through their relationships, and it's sad. I'd love to see articles in the media that start stressing that there's absolutely no shame and failure in remaining single, and that it is a valid option.
Posted by Denise
June 6, 2008, 11:46 AM
I completely agree with you Denise! There is so much pressure at school to find a boyfriend. Not to fall in love, to find a boyfriend. It's as though they were the latest fashion. Maybe we do want that new purse, or maybe we don't. But we buy it anyways.
Posted by Nathalie
June 6, 2008, 1:11 PM
I hope love doesn't actually _end_ with the rings, but I certainly don't think the choice of whether, when and who to marry can be easily bent to a checklist or strategy.
Being a Quebecois, on that scale I still think marriage is far from a foregone conclusion, but being from a rural anglo area and watching my high school buddies get married at a fairly steady rate, maybe it is (or always has been) hip in that context.
Posted by Eric
June 8, 2008, 11:39 AM
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