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Queer Brown Girl Trying to Get Pregnant, Part 4: The Last Part (for now)

September 3rd, 2013     by deb singh     Comments

There’s a lot they don’t tell you about having a baby and this blog is not gonna tell you what that stuff is since I don’t have a baby. What it is gonna give you is some questions I learned I need to ask myself and others recently.

I’m the kinda Queer Brown Girl Trying to Get Pregnant that has always benefited from the company of people who have gone through it before me, whatever “it” is. So it is great to have folks around who have gone through some of the following ups and downs. In addition, with my trusty cell phone and lap top in hand, I can virtually and emotionally get almost all the answers to the questions I didn’t even know I needed to ask about when one becomes pregnant.

How tired? Seriously tired, no seriously. I know this is written in a million places but its true. And it’s not just about the fatigue. Even though some might be like myself, who plans very carefully on getting pregnant, you can’t plan for changing everything about who you are and the changes you will need to make to do things differently. That is, even if I so wanted to be pregnant that doesn’t mean I’m going to be super cool with giving up everything I used to do and how I used to do it before.

May I please have a hug? A friend of mine said they had to/chose to tell a coworker they were pregnant before the 12-week (or first 3 months), end of first trimester time frame. This was because they needed sympathy and someone to watch their classroom (they are a teacher) as they constantly needed to go to the bathroom. I imagine it is a challenge about who to tell and why. Do you tell your mom? Of course, your partner knows if you have one but who else do you tell and why? Some friends will be joyful and go back about their daily business and others will really try and support. While I think times can be overwhelming once baby arrives, becoming pregnant and its beginning stages can be jarring to your regularly unpregnant body all the same. And you may need more hugs. Seriously.

Choosing a Midwife. If you are lucky enough to live in a big city like Toronto you have options from choosing a doctor/obstetrician or midwife for prenatal (before baby is born) care. And choosing can be a doozy! Western medical model and hospital birth or home birth with a midwife? And if you go the midwife route, how does one select from all the choices of women, locations, models, and resources each clinic has to offer? And of course, choosing this person is a relationship you are trying to create with someone to bring your own little one into the world. Kinda daunting if you ask this QBGTTGP!

Prenatal screening tests. How come I only learned about this Tuesday? So there are tests that pregnant people can choose to take to find out whether or not their unborn baby is likely to have Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 and prenatal neural defects such as Spina Bifida. This can be terrifying. Most people have healthy babies so this is a test that usually is negative, like 1 out of 1000 in the case of Down Syndrome, but all the same, this is one of the first big moments when it all becomes real: finding out about your child’s ability or disability and making decisions around it.

The journey for me to become a mom has been really one-sided so far. I thought about insemination and did it, there was my emotional rollercoaster of not becoming a pregnant person for months and there were all the things that came up for me that no one really talked about in my world.

Having a kid won’t be so one sided, I think. I think there will be a push and pull, an ebb and flow and a “you and I are in it together” kinda thing happening.

And I really can’t wait for it.

Tags: body politics, queeriosities

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