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Advice: My boss is a creep!
I work for a married couple at a small restaurant. The wife is great but her husband is intolerable. He makes inappropriate comments and I’m extremely uncomfortable when I have to work alone with him. He offers me shoulder rubs and goes out of his way to talk about sex. I laugh at his jokes because I need to keep my job, but listening to him makes me sick. I don’t know how to tell him to stop because he’ll deny saying anything inappropriate. What should I do?
You are experiencing sexual harassment. It’s illegal, in some cases criminal, and you don’t have to deal with it on your own.
Sexual harassment is any unwanted attention of a sexual nature, including (but not limited to) being exposed to degrading words or images, physical contact or sexual demands. It can be remarks about your looks or personal life, which may be framed as compliments but make you feel uncomfortable. Sexual harassment can also mean that someone is bothering you (or discriminating against you) because of your gender. Harassment could be a series of incidents over a period of time, or it could be just one incident.
Sexual harassment can happen to anyone, but mostly it happens to women. Statistics show that 80 to 90 percent of women in Canada will experience sexual harassment at some point in their working lives, either from a co-worker, customer or, often, a boss who uses his or her position of power to get away with unwelcome sexual comments or actions. Sound familiar? There are several things you can do.
Trust yourself Many people convince themselves that harassment is not really happening, that they’re being too sensitive or that they are somehow to blame. But no one deserves to be harassed or molested.
Educate yourself People often feel more empowered when they can identify and understand what’s happening. You need to know your rights and your options so you can channel your frustration into positive action.
Don’t ignore it Sexual harassment often gets worse over time. It may start off as joking but can escalate to unwanted touching or sexual assault. Sometimes it continues even after you quit a job. Stalking, or criminal harassment, is when someone follows you around, calls you a lot or sends you letters you don’t want. Sexual harassment can also affect your health. You can feel depression, anxiety, humiliation, anger, shame and stress. Some people develop headaches, nausea, ulcers, sleep disorders or other illnesses.
Get support from someone you trust This can be a friend, parent or co-worker. You can also access free counselling by phone (see resources at the end of the article). If you decide to take this harasser on, it would help your case if there are others to corroborate your story.
Keep a record Keep a journal with the specific dates and descriptions of what is happening. If you decide to take this further, a journal will make your case stronger and can show a pattern of harassment. A bound notebook is best; that way no one can add pages or switch them around. Harassment can be embarrassing to talk about, so if you have detailed records, chances are you won’t have to answer as many embarrassing questions. If he touches you, write down exactly where he touched you, with what body part and for how long. If he says things, try to quote his exact words and write down what you said, too.
Informal remedies You are not required to confront the harasser, especially when the person is your superior. Consider your personal safety and security first. However, should you decide to pursue this legally, your case may be stronger if you have made it clear to him that his behaviour is unwelcome.
If you don’t want to confront him directly, you can try things like:
- If he says something quietly or hints at something sexual, repeat it back in a loud voice and ask him what he means. This is especially effective when there are customers or other people around.
- If he stands too close, ask him to move back.
- Leave out pamphlets or articles around on sexual harassment.
- Use the phrase “sexual harassment” or “sexual assault” freely and frequently when he is around. Say things like, “I’ve been reading up on sexual assault. Did you know that if you touch me without my consent, you can go to jail for 10 years?”
If you choose to confront him:
- Bring someone with you to be a witness.
- Speak clearly and practice what you’re going to say. For example, “I’m not interested in a shoulder rub. I don’t want you to touch me, ever. You need to stop talking about sex.” Or, “I’m not being sensitive. No one likes to be sexually harassed. If you don’t know the difference, I can give you some reading material or the phone number to the Human Rights Commission. I’ve found them very helpful.”
- If you are uncomfortable talking to him, you can write a letter. Describe the behaviours that you don’t like and tell him that you want him to stop. Make sure the letter is dated and that you keep a copy for your records.Sample letter Date: Dear _____________ , I have noticed that when we are alone together at work, you often talk about sex or make sexual comments. You also keep offering to give me shoulder rubs, although I have refused them many times. I want you to know that I am offended by your sexual comments and do not want you to touch me. (Optional: If this happens again, I will take further action against you.) Yours truly, ____________
Workplace remedies Employers are required by law to prevent harassment and discrimination in the workplace. So, if your manager is the problem, try talking to the owner of the restaurant. The employer is also required by law to protect you from any abuse that results from your complaint. Unfortunately — and this is totally unfair — people often find that they are penalized for reporting harassment. For example, the person you tell may not believe you. You may find yourself being watched and treated like a troublemaker. Your employer may suddenly have problems with your work. All of this is illegal, so the best thing you can do is bring a witness when you talk to the owner. Keep a record of your actions and mention to the person that you are keeping a journal. Management may react more quickly when they see that you know your rights and that you mean business.
Legal remedies There are different legal remedies available to you. You can file a complaint at the human-rights commission in your province and they’ll investigate your case for free. The kind of remedies you can get include a cash settlement (with compensation for mental anguish) and a letter of apology from the employer, or your employer may have to post signs in the workplace on people’s rights under the Human Rights Code. Unfortunately, this complaint procedure is bureaucratic, could take a long time (often years) and sometimes they decide not to investigate at all (for instance, if the last reported incident is more than six months ago).
You may also be able to lay criminal charges. The offence of “sexual assault” can include any use of force or unwanted physical contact of a sexual nature. Additionally, if you are aged 14 to 17, a person with whom you are in a relationship of trust, authority or dependency can’t touch you or try to get you to touch him or her sexually. The offence of “sexual exploitation” would clearly apply to that manager of yours. If you report him, the police can have him arrested and, if convicted, he can go to jail. In the case of sexual assault, the maximum penalty is 10 years. For sexual exploitation, it is a maximum of five years.
If these legal remedies seem severe to you, that’s because sexual harassment and assault are seriously wrong. You have a right to a harassment-free workplace.
There have been many times in my life when I felt like a victim — hopeless and alone, lost and afraid. But then something shifts inside of me and I discover my inner warrior woman. I may panic and cry and freak out, but then she kicks in and kicks ass. I hope that you will discover your inner warrior. This may not be your battle, you may not be ready, and that is okay. But know that, deep down, you are stronger, braver and more capable than you give yourself credit for. You too will kick some serious ass when you’re good and ready.
Until then, I will be shooting mental daggers at that manager of yours. I hope his wife divorces him and sues him for everything he’s got. Loser.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Reading Materials
- Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
- Sexual Harassment
- METRAC (Metropolitan Action Committee on Violence Against Women and Children)
- Workplace Harassment: An Action Guide for Women, Ontario Women’s Justice Network
Information is also available on the websites of your provincial human-rights commission.
Counselling
- Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (Canada)
- Assaulted Women’s Helpline: 1-866-863-0511 (Ontario)
Legal
- Justice for Children and Youth (Toronto): 1-866-999-5329 You can also ask a lawyer a question online.
- Lawyer Referral Service (Ontario): 1-900-565-4577 $6, get half-hour consultation with a lawyer
Human Rights Commissions (by province)
- Alberta: 780-427-7661
- British Columbia: 1-888-440-8844
- Manitoba: 1-888-884-8681
- New Brunswick: 1-888-471-2233
- Newfoundland and Labrador: 709-729-2709
- Nova Scotia: 902-424-4111
- Ontario: 1-800-387-9080
- Prince Edward Island: 1-800-237-5031
- Quebec: 1-800-361-6477
- Saskatchewan: 1-800-667-9249
- Numbers and websites for the territorial governments
How to file a police report
To report a complaint, contact the “non-emergencies” number of your local police division. In Canada, this can be found in the blue pages of your white phone book under “Police”. When you call, explain to them the nature of your complaint and your age. They will likely transfer you to the department for sexual crimes or for youth. The main thing to consider is that it’s the police who will decide if there is enough evidence to press charges (tell them you’re keeping a journal) and they’ll be directing the case, which means that once you report the offence, the charges cannot be withdrawn, and you may have to appear as a witness in court.
